5 Dumb Things

1. My car says “Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle” on the back, like that’s a thing. It’s got PZEV!

2. Free speech zones.  Ah, academia.

3. “Slimming” women’s jeans that you can order in size 2.

4. I have to answer seven questions to buy one gallon of milk with cash at Walgreens.

5. It’s easier to get made-in-America food for dogs than it is for my children.

lol on a candy heart

Ten Yoga Thoughts

I do restorative yoga, which is a mix of meditation and yoga, because it is phenomenal for my mental well being.  Also because it involves lying down a lot, which I find attainable.

During our mindfulness sessions, we practice being mindful of our thoughts.  Here are mine:

  1. If we always have to do yoga on a mat, why don’t they just make the floor out of yoga mats?
  2. Is there cursing in Sanskrit?
  3. Holding in the fart.  Holding in the fart. Holding in the fart.
  4. It’s a small, small, world [because I went to Disneyworld in January and YOU CAN NEVER GET THAT SONG OUT OF YOUR HEAD].
  5. Is all-male yoga called bro-ga?
  6. Why does the Buddha’s head look like an acorn?
  7. Shake Ey, Ey, Ey, Ey Shake, Ta Ta And do the Harlem Shake [It was funny the first seventy times. No. More. Please.]
  8. Finally figured out that Mitt Romney looks like the Mayor of Whoville.
  9. Is the song “Brown Girl in the Ring” a little bit racist?  How about the song “Everybody’s a Little Racist?”
  10. What this place needs is more windchime!

I have to add that my truly wonderful yoga instructor has told us that in India, you’re supposed to fart during yoga class, but that has not caught on here.

More Cowbell, baby!

Gratitude Friday

Five things I’m grateful for:

  1. I remembered to post something on Friday.  I started a trend. Two for two.
  2. We ran out of chicken-and-waffles flavored potato chips.  Too much of a good thing.
  3. Ritalin.
  4. The procrastination police have not yet arrested me and sent me to a productivity retraining camp.
  5. The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.  Specifically that thing about speech.

English: Fried chicken and waffles with maple ...

This is my 500 word reading response

This is my five hundred word reading response, written to respond to the reading of Chapter 3, Style and Editing in our textbook The Importance of Writing Well, written by the authors James Patterhorn and Sara Janewell, in which the writers have published their fourth edition with the copyright date of the year two thousand and twelve, Year of Our Lord.

Chapter 3, Style and Editing, the third chapter in the book The Importance of Writing Well, is a chapter that gives advice, pointers, and instruction regarding the subject of style as well as the quite important subject of editing as pertaining to the book’s overall advice, pointers, and instruction regarding how important it is for one to write well, which is duly suggested by the title of the aforementioned book, which (as a gentle reminder) is The Importance of Writing Well (authored by James Patterhorn in collaboration with the most distinguished co-author Sare Janewell).

This chapter, which commences on page one hundred and eighty one and concludes brilliantly on page one hundred and ninety six, manages to contain sage and erstwhile advice spanning the multitudinous and often, dare I say, nefarious subjects of editing in conjunction with style vis a vis writing well (and importantly), all in a mere fifteen pages, or perhaps sixteen if one counts the mostly blank page at the end upon which a mere three sentences appear.  Nay!  The authors (Sara of the Janewell family, and Mr. Patterhorn, whose first name is James) must be given full credit for a fifteen page masterpiece, as the page layout was (as in most publishing endeavors) probably decided by the editors of said work, editors in the employ of the Bordson Publishing Company’s New York city office (in the Empire state [New York], one of the finest states in all of the fifty United States of America).

I hope that you have found this response useful in regards to the subjects of reviewing and changing words to improve writing in order to achieve the often elusive but terribly, terribly important state of writing that could be categorized as “well.”  I know that I found its admonitions, counsel, and guidance of great and lasting use and importance, and I shall use the advice contained therein for my future compositions of a verbal nature, whether they be yet another response to a reading of a chapter in our textbook for this class of the length of five hundred words or more, or any other sort of collection of words into sentences and paragraphs.

Thus concludes my five hundred word reading response on the subject of Chapter 3, Style and Editing, the penultimate chapter of Unit 1: Writing Foundations in the outstanding book The Importance of Writing Well, which was ably authored by the two fantastically insightful writers Sarah Janewell and James Patterhorn, which I will submit, as instructed, on the twenty first day on the second month of the year two thousand and thirteen in the Common Era.

Go Bulldogs!

English: Looking south from Top of the Rock, N...

Rockin’ it Gluten Free

Recently we were excited to see we can now buy “gluten-free” brown sugar.  In that same vein, here are some ideas I have for other products.

  1. Boneless yogurt
  2. Fat-free soda
  3. Low-carb water
  4. No-high-fructose-corn-syrup hair spray
  5. Free-range toilet paper
  6. Caffeine-free baby formula
  7. 1080p HD bathroom mirror
  8. Vegan dental floss

You’re welcome, internet.

Toilet paper Español: Papel higiénico

Toilet paper Español: Papel higiénico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ten More Laws Kansas Should Consider

From the Huffington Post:

Republican Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed a bill aimed at keeping state courts and agencies from using Islamic or other non-U.S. laws when making decisions, his office said on Friday . . .

Since the Kansas legislature is in the mood to get results on important issues, here are some more things they might consider:

  1. Prohibit the refining, posession, manufacture or sale of kryptonite or kryptonite-related paraphernalia.
  2. Define marriage as being the union of two human beings, or at the very most, one human and one vampire.
  3. Officially define the sky as being blue, except in circumstances of clouds, night, and plagues of locusts.
  4. Form a committee to research the 1913 World’s Fair in Ghent, Belgium, to establish why it was just not all that worldy and sort of meh.
  5. Prohibit the ghost of Napoleon’s horse from running for elected office unless he can produce a valid U.S. birth certificate from any state except Hawaii.
  6. Automatically deny any application for a liquor license or a parade permit to the fourth dentist who refused to recommend Trident.
  7. Outlaw the wearing of live chipmunks or hamsters as earmuffs, unless they are suitably sedated by a certified veterinarian.
  8. Require all beached whales of 10 tons or more in Junction City or the surrounding state parks and recreation areas be given “reasonable life-saving measures” for at least two hours before being sold to a Japanese whaling vessel.
  9. Officially declare that the word “Kansas” has six letters and is worth a base score of 10 points in Scrabble if you’re allowing proper nouns, which although is not all that many points, sometimes you can get the K on the triple letter score and hit the double word score at the same time then it would be worth, well, um, a lot more than 10 points.
  10. Require all inmates to have access to air and gravity

French horse mounted grenadier of Napoleon Gua...

More WordPress Prompt Fun

More helpful suggestions from WordPress

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

Every day’s a lazy day, so . . .

What’s your favorite scary movie?

The Paper Chase.  Because I would be one of the self-loathing dropouts.  I get terrified when Timothy Buttons can’t write his paper.

Describe your personality in five words or less.

Procrastination, Attention, Deficit, Disorder, Snacks

Announcing My Candidacy For President of the United States

It’s time for a new voice in Washington, a new way of thinking.  We’ve tried hope, we’ve tried change; we’ve tried going back to the founding fathers, to the ideals of an America that once was.  And still the American people are unhappy.  We’re protesting in the streets.  I say enough is enough.  It’s time for a candidate who represents the people, not just Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, rich or wanna-be rich.  It’s time for someone who can represent the whole electorate.  In short, it’s time for a candidate of the ADHD party.  So today, I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

I understand perfectly how congress works. Time and time again throughout my personal life and long career I have shown that I never get started early enough on a difficult issue and work hardest in the 11th hour to achieve stopgap, short-term solutions. This is what the American people have shown they want at the polls; they vote in candidate after candidate who works hard to obstruct progress.  I’ll just take out the “works hard” part.  Think of how much more efficient that will be.  And the media will love me too.  They will lavish attention on my dashing, last-minute action to solve problems with as little effort and as few long-term benefits as possible.  I’ll get countless “saves the day” headlines and only crusty old pundits with books about JFK will complain to their ever-shrinking audiences of People Who Still Feel Empowered.

My personal life shows the consistency and values required to oversee this country’s economy.  From the day I left home to fail out of engineering school, I’ve lived my life in ever-increasing debt.  I can bring Republicans and Democrats together on the biggest issue that’s been dividing us since the economic downturn: the only thing I love more than spending is to hate taxes.

I’m not crazy.  I’m just like you.  Like you, I believe that America deserves a break because, you know, we’ve been trying really hard and it’s like so difficult out there nowadays in today’s society.  We need a reader, not a leader.

On the international front, I will never commit us to a war we can’t win.  For more than a decade, we’ve been at war with somebody, one of those “I” or “A” countries, despite the ever-growing chorus of cries against more spending and more putting our soldiers in harm’s way.  I will strongly endeavor to hesitate to commit to anything.  However, once in the battle, you can count on me to pull out at the first sign of difficulty.  When the going gets tough, I will go home.  Think of all the billions of dollars we would have saved had we given up at “Mission Accomplished”!

It’s time for the politics of pessimism.  It’s time for someone to tell the hard truth.  No, we can’t solve these difficult problems in four or eight years.  No, we can’t just all get along.  Yes, we will just pass these problems off to our children.  And yes, children, you will not have things as good as we have them.  We are the better-educated generation, we are the ones who made more money, we had the better houses, we have the best technology, and we are the first to tell you, it’s kind of meh here (I mean Keeping Up with the Kardashians is the best we could do?).  Think of how much easier life will be when we accept the truth.  America will become the glorious nation that our two centuries of history has prepared us for; we will be the underachievers of the world.  The new American dream is here: it’s Thursday afternoon in our great nation’s history, and we’re going to coast to the weekend.  Maybe even call in sick tomorrow.

So join me in the new politics of this new era in our history.  Vote for me.  It’s just easier.  You will know everything there is to know about me and my platform in my Four Values for a New America:

  1. A lot of times, it’s better to do nothing at all than to make things worse
  2. We can squeak by on charm and good looks
  3. The best defense is a really good excuse
  4. Hey look, the new iPhone is out!

Jonathan Taylor

An Easier America is a Better America

Black recliner (arm chair)

Image via Wikipedia

Paid for by Americans for . . . Something . . . Wait, I Wrote it Down Somewhere