It’s time for a new voice in Washington, a new way of thinking. We’ve tried hope, we’ve tried change; we’ve tried going back to the founding fathers, to the ideals of an America that once was. And still the American people are unhappy. We’re protesting in the streets. I say enough is enough. It’s time for a candidate who represents the people, not just Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, rich or wanna-be rich. It’s time for someone who can represent the whole electorate. In short, it’s time for a candidate of the ADHD party. So today, I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
I understand perfectly how congress works. Time and time again throughout my personal life and long career I have shown that I never get started early enough on a difficult issue and work hardest in the 11th hour to achieve stopgap, short-term solutions. This is what the American people have shown they want at the polls; they vote in candidate after candidate who works hard to obstruct progress. I’ll just take out the “works hard” part. Think of how much more efficient that will be. And the media will love me too. They will lavish attention on my dashing, last-minute action to solve problems with as little effort and as few long-term benefits as possible. I’ll get countless “saves the day” headlines and only crusty old pundits with books about JFK will complain to their ever-shrinking audiences of People Who Still Feel Empowered.
My personal life shows the consistency and values required to oversee this country’s economy. From the day I left home to fail out of engineering school, I’ve lived my life in ever-increasing debt. I can bring Republicans and Democrats together on the biggest issue that’s been dividing us since the economic downturn: the only thing I love more than spending is to hate taxes.
I’m not crazy. I’m just like you. Like you, I believe that America deserves a break because, you know, we’ve been trying really hard and it’s like so difficult out there nowadays in today’s society. We need a reader, not a leader.
On the international front, I will never commit us to a war we can’t win. For more than a decade, we’ve been at war with somebody, one of those “I” or “A” countries, despite the ever-growing chorus of cries against more spending and more putting our soldiers in harm’s way. I will strongly endeavor to hesitate to commit to anything. However, once in the battle, you can count on me to pull out at the first sign of difficulty. When the going gets tough, I will go home. Think of all the billions of dollars we would have saved had we given up at “Mission Accomplished”!
It’s time for the politics of pessimism. It’s time for someone to tell the hard truth. No, we can’t solve these difficult problems in four or eight years. No, we can’t just all get along. Yes, we will just pass these problems off to our children. And yes, children, you will not have things as good as we have them. We are the better-educated generation, we are the ones who made more money, we had the better houses, we have the best technology, and we are the first to tell you, it’s kind of meh here (I mean Keeping Up with the Kardashians is the best we could do?). Think of how much easier life will be when we accept the truth. America will become the glorious nation that our two centuries of history has prepared us for; we will be the underachievers of the world. The new American dream is here: it’s Thursday afternoon in our great nation’s history, and we’re going to coast to the weekend. Maybe even call in sick tomorrow.
So join me in the new politics of this new era in our history. Vote for me. It’s just easier. You will know everything there is to know about me and my platform in my Four Values for a New America:
- A lot of times, it’s better to do nothing at all than to make things worse
- We can squeak by on charm and good looks
- The best defense is a really good excuse
- Hey look, the new iPhone is out!
An Easier America is a Better America
Paid for by Americans for . . . Something . . . Wait, I Wrote it Down Somewhere