Dispatch from The Molehill Mountainization Department

MEMORANDUM

TO: Cerebellum in latudine

FROM: Frontal Cortex

RE: Committee for Project Timeline Expansion implementing GO Policy

DATE: February 13, 2013

Given the recent decrease of inflow of methylphenidate and other raw materials re: executive function (i.e. cobalamin, monolaurin, and levels of serotonin/dopamine declining due to excessive couch sitting and absence of sunlight), the Committee for Project Timeline Expansion has implicitly been given leave to convene and begin deliberation regarding the appropriate course of action on necessary tasks.

Heretofore the committee’s responsibility and attendant area of expertise has been the organization and reorganization of tasks in response to changing inputs from the Working Office of Reprioritization Management.

However, the mixed messages and conflicting instructions from WORM has stymied real task completion and given us no choice but to implement Double Manual Gluteus Maximus Obsfucation (widely known, thanks to the ad hoc Humorous Crudification Defense League as “covering our ass with both hands”; though we are not sure if our organization indeed has a collective singular “ass” and therefore suggest instead we all use the simplified policy term “Gluteal Obsfucation” [or simply “GO” {this is no joke, people!}]).

As a reminder, the CPTE’s GO policy is as follows:

1.  All incoming mail will be marked “Important!” “ASAP!!” or “DO THIS NOW DUMB ASS!!!”  with the number of exclamation marks used in direct proportion to the height of the pile of existing mail.

2. Work hours will be assigned on a sliding bifurcating scale, split (at first) equally between the Panic-Intensive Task Purge Team and the Avoidance Tactics Work Group.

3. The Avoidance Group’s main assignment will be the making of lists and writing of sticky notes in lieu of actual task completion.  In addition, brighter colored notes and larger lettering count double towards task completion substitution.

4. The consumption of caffeine and sugar will immediately double.

5. In the event that policy item #3 proves ineffective for the Avoidance Group, the secondary assignment of neatly organizing mail into thematic piles utilizing binder clips and rubber bands will suffice. This policy step can be repeated as needed (i.e. organizing first by sender and then reorganizing by pay/non pay and then reorganizing the pay pile by days past due and then once again by amount due [lowest to highest and then reverse]). Adding sticky notes to said piles again increases task substitution. This policy is particularly effective for sustaining the Avoidance Group’s work and can continue indefinitely.

6. Upon the occurrence of negative external events (e.g., the flooding of basements, illnesses of children, or turning off of electricity), Avoidance will be given longer shifts, and some hours will be outsourced to the Bureau of Existential Insomnia.  However, the activation of the BEI ensures more overall waking hours are available for our committee, and thus BEI hours do not detract from, and often result in the increased availability of, overall Avoidance hours, as fewer overall resources are available for the Panic Team.

7. Communication with other human beings will be severely restricted, and when required, non-task topics such as the weather, politicians behaving badly, the relative merits of wine/food pairings vs. beer/food pairings, and current postings on Facebook which include cat pictures (or anything from George Takei) will receive highest priority.

This policy will continue until such time our services are no longer needed.

Français : cortex frontal

Français : cortex frontal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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5 thoughts on “Dispatch from The Molehill Mountainization Department

  1. Pingback: Pulling our Hair Out | Attention Deficit Whatever

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